Sunlight and moonbeams

I am 25. It is the last line before I turn the page and the landscape changes. I have fragments of conversations floating in my head like the soap bubbles; I blow on them, ignoring them, refusing to let them touch me for fear of their becoming thoughts that I will have to read.

What is your mother like? Well, she is like me. And then I thought what my mother is like? Honestly she is nothing like me. I adore her, but like me she is not. I look like her. She hates disagreements. She hates strife in relationships; to her the goal is to get along and love each other. She loves children and animals. She seems to understand them in a way that most people are not able to. She loves making people happy, she makes fun of herself. She loves without judgment. To her it is the intensions that matter the most, not the final effect. And in her world, her intensions are always good. I don’t think I have ever heard her apologize honestly. She is fun, she is a charmer. Her humor is intelligent and sharp without ever being mean. She loves to learn and grow and is never self conscious. Her laughter is like music, she holds you without holding you back. She can say my name in a million ways and has a million different names for me. I can hear her voice and know how she feels. She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Time travel.

So I love purses. All kinds, big/small, black/ yellow. I was recently in France where I indulged my love for purses like nobody's business, but this is not a story about my purses, it is a story about my life. I have so many purses that I rotate them – according to weather, occasion and so on. As I clean the purse that I had used a year ago here is what I find- shopping receipts, old gum, lipstick, notes that I made while riding the bus, grocery bills and to do lists, pictures, stamps, jewelry, gloves, cards that I bought but never send, stamps, airline tickets, lists of books to read, post it notes with directions. It is like being back in time, only this time I don’t feel the stress. I see myself struggling with the everyday, trying to get everything done, trying to be organized and succeeding some and failing some. It is almost like those out of body experiences where I want to go tell my past self that it is going to be ok. As I start another phase of my life and feel the stress and pressure building up I look forward to the day when this too will be just another phase of my life which I will look back upon and applaud the courage it took to step into the unknown. Right now, I just feel scared and frantic.

Confessions of a chance spectator-Part 1

Becoming a fairy/princess was never an ambition of mine. A few years back as I started reading Disney fairy tales to my younger sisters, I realized why. What kind of role model are these women? What in the world did Sleeping beauty achieve in life? Or even Cinderella, she was pretty and fair and blonde and worked hard and was a doormat till she was given cute clothes so she could look pretty and marry a prince and don’t even get me started on snow white . I shudder to think the kind of women we are helping create. My parents made a huge effort to find role models for us. I grew up with stories from different countries- India, Russia, China and many more. My parents introduced me to characters that were not just good or bad but complex. I learned to love and fear Baba Yaga when I was 5- a house made of chicken legs, who forgets that. I think parents are either too scared of doing something that has not been advertized or prescribed to them or too lazy to turn off the TV. I think parents are scared of children discovering that another way of life is possible; that people from other countries, other religions are not all that different. They are scared of answering questions, questions that are too uncomfortable to answer, questions they don’t know the answer to cause they have never thought about them.

I don’t think having children is a right, it is a privilege and it is hard work. People need to get that. It's not a passive process.

News

I have a ring. On my left hand. Its been a month.

Ponderings

She said: I am going to ponder my circumstances.
He said: If you truly ponder your circumstances you will need to pat your stomach and laugh out loud.
She said: True.

Mood: Happy. No, very happy.

I have a new blog-

Oh well I have another blog. It is about random nothings- news stories, science articles and funny weird things I find interesting.

Reflections

You’ve both been standing near the bus stop for over an hour now. She laughs at your joke and leans on your arm. He looks into your eyes and hears your thoughts. It must be time to go home but your moment is still unfinished.

Young shy innocent, you make me jealous. I used to be you.

Dec 2008:

December 13-1 am: See fire trucks outside, send good wishes to people who have the fire. Good wishes come and slap me on my face when I realize the firemen are actually running towards my apartment. Go out to investigate because it still seems surreal, none of the fire alarms are going off. Realize the building is burning and need to go back to the apartment to get my laptop. While people are running outside, I run inside to get my laptop- get made fun of in the news- http://www.sltrib.com/ci_11225303?source=rss bedroom is full of smoke by the time I get there so leave laptop and back-up drive.

December 13 11 am: Fire is under control but building not safe to enter.

December 14: 11 am: Get escorted to the apartment; realize things are out of place, stuff is missing, no burned laptop, no backup drive, no jewelry. The building was robbed last night. Thank you Murphy.

Later-

Take home exam was burned too, beats the dog ate my homework excuse.

Had my house burned but who cares lets eat pizza and bitch party.

Had my house burned but it still Christmas party.

Used the-my house burned excuse one too many times.

Realize I have the best of friends in the world. Thank you Shaili, Anurag, Sharanya, Aditi, Ken, Josh, Harsh Varun, Jodi, Allison, Mark and the many others who helped me without even knowing me. Thank you for offering to help everyone.

Realized I have the most awesome advisor and committee in the world!

2008 was awesome and Happy New year everyone!