While I was...

The everything drawer

2010-07-19T22:30:00.001-06:00

I have lived on my own for almost 10 years now. Dorms, roommates and alone, at this point some of my habits are clear and I should own up to them. One of these is the everything drawer. On the surface I am very organized, if you were to visit me today you would find my desk is clear of clutter, so is my kitchen, the bedroom and the living room. The secret to this is that I put all my random ridiculous bizarre stuff in the everything drawer. Here is an example of what you will find there- a newspaper, ziplock bags, windex, spare keys to the car attached to keys of my last two apartments, curtain rings, one purple sock, an old tea bag, and an outdoor extension cord. This drawer does not have one function; it is spilling over with confusion and smells a little (I think I left some cheese in there once). I bet the other drawers make fun of this one, they all have a purpose and are pretty, while this here is unattractive and kept hidden.

My relationships are not simple; they are full of baggage from the past and underappreciated at times. But hey, where would I go if I needed someone to understand why I was mean to the parent whose daughter reminded me of my sister?

I am cleaning my French doors at 9 pm and having tea because I feel awful and I love cleaning. As the relationship grows in depth it grows a little dark.

Just a reminder to myself and you.

2010-07-05T11:12:00.001-06:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt (Sorbonne in Paris in 1910).

Sunlight and moonbeams

2009-12-06T12:49:00.002-07:00

I am 25. It is the last line before I turn the page and the landscape changes. I have fragments of conversations floating in my head like the soap bubbles; I blow on them, ignoring them, refusing to let them touch me for fear of their becoming thoughts that I will have to read.

What is your mother like? Well, she is like me. And then I thought what my mother is like? Honestly she is nothing like me. I adore her, but like me she is not. I look like her. She hates disagreements. She hates strife in relationships; to her the goal is to get along and love each other. She loves children and animals. She seems to understand them in a way that most people are not able to. She loves making people happy, she makes fun of herself. She loves without judgment. To her it is the intensions that matter the most, not the final effect. And in her world, her intensions are always good. I don’t think I have ever heard her apologize honestly. She is fun, she is a charmer. Her humor is intelligent and sharp without ever being mean. She loves to learn and grow and is never self conscious. Her laughter is like music, she holds you without holding you back. She can say my name in a million ways and has a million different names for me. I can hear her voice and know how she feels. She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Time travel.

2009-10-07T15:19:00.004-06:00

So I love purses. All kinds, big/small, black/ yellow. I was recently in France where I indulged my love for purses like nobody's business, but this is not a story about my purses, it is a story about my life. I have so many purses that I rotate them – according to weather, occasion and so on. As I clean the purse that I had used a year ago here is what I find- shopping receipts, old gum, lipstick, notes that I made while riding the bus, grocery bills and to do lists, pictures, stamps, jewelry, gloves, cards that I bought but never send, stamps, airline tickets, lists of books to read, post it notes with directions. It is like being back in time, only this time I don’t feel the stress. I see myself struggling with the everyday, trying to get everything done, trying to be organized and succeeding some and failing some. It is almost like those out of body experiences where I want to go tell my past self that it is going to be ok. As I start another phase of my life and feel the stress and pressure building up I look forward to the day when this too will be just another phase of my life which I will look back upon and applaud the courage it took to step into the unknown. Right now, I just feel scared and frantic.

Confessions of a chance spectator-Part 1

2009-10-03T17:40:00.002-06:00

Becoming a fairy/princess was never an ambition of mine. A few years back as I started reading Disney fairy tales to my younger sisters, I realized why. What kind of role model are these women? What in the world did Sleeping beauty achieve in life? Or even Cinderella, she was pretty and fair and blonde and worked hard and was a doormat till she was given cute clothes so she could look pretty and marry a prince and don’t even get me started on snow white . I shudder to think the kind of women we are helping create. My parents made a huge effort to find role models for us. I grew up with stories from different countries- India, Russia, China and many more. My parents introduced me to characters that were not just good or bad but complex. I learned to love and fear Baba Yaga when I was 5- a house made of chicken legs, who forgets that. I think parents are either too scared of doing something that has not been advertized or prescribed to them or too lazy to turn off the TV. I think parents are scared of children discovering that another way of life is possible; that people from other countries, other religions are not all that different. They are scared of answering questions, questions that are too uncomfortable to answer, questions they don’t know the answer to cause they have never thought about them.

I don’t think having children is a right, it is a privilege and it is hard work. People need to get that. It's not a passive process.

News

2009-08-23T23:17:00.003-06:00

I have a ring. On my left hand. Its been a month.

Ponderings

2009-04-04T14:42:00.002-06:00

She said: I am going to ponder my circumstances.
He said: If you truly ponder your circumstances you will need to pat your stomach and laugh out loud.
She said: True.

Mood: Happy. No, very happy.

I have a new blog-

2009-01-13T23:13:00.002-07:00

Oh well I have another blog. It is about random nothings- news stories, science articles and funny weird things I find interesting.

Reflections

2009-01-10T00:30:00.002-07:00

You’ve both been standing near the bus stop for over an hour now. She laughs at your joke and leans on your arm. He looks into your eyes and hears your thoughts. It must be time to go home but your moment is still unfinished.

Young shy innocent, you make me jealous. I used to be you.

Dec 2008:

2009-01-05T12:24:00.007-07:00

December 13-1 am: See fire trucks outside, send good wishes to people who have the fire. Good wishes come and slap me on my face when I realize the firemen are actually running towards my apartment. Go out to investigate because it still seems surreal, none of the fire alarms are going off. Realize the building is burning and need to go back to the apartment to get my laptop. While people are running outside, I run inside to get my laptop- get made fun of in the news- http://www.sltrib.com/ci_11225303?source=rss bedroom is full of smoke by the time I get there so leave laptop and back-up drive.

December 13 11 am: Fire is under control but building not safe to enter.

December 14: 11 am: Get escorted to the apartment; realize things are out of place, stuff is missing, no burned laptop, no backup drive, no jewelry. The building was robbed last night. Thank you Murphy.

Later-

Take home exam was burned too, beats the dog ate my homework excuse.

Had my house burned but who cares lets eat pizza and bitch party.

Had my house burned but it still Christmas party.

Used the-my house burned excuse one too many times.

Realize I have the best of friends in the world. Thank you Shaili, Anurag, Sharanya, Aditi, Ken, Josh, Harsh Varun, Jodi, Allison, Mark and the many others who helped me without even knowing me. Thank you for offering to help everyone.

Realized I have the most awesome advisor and committee in the world!

2008 was awesome and Happy New year everyone!

The myth of the perfect relationship

2008-12-01T11:45:00.002-07:00

It’s like a fashion magazine with photo shopped versions of artificial women in its pages; only there is no evil magazine, our girl friends are our enemies.

The friend with the perfect relationship- she has no problems, the guy is perfect, the man of her dreams, no they never have any problems, she only wishes you were this lucky. Some are more subtle, but if you hear closely, you can hear the insanity in her voice too, the total lack of honesty; the need to fool herself. Introducing - The lie of the perfect relationship.

Look at your grandparents- they’ve been together for 50 years or more. Do they say things were perfect? Does your grandmother say her husband is the epitome of perfection? If she is anything like mine she says the opposite. He is not perfect, neither is she. Real couples have problems, they have issues, and you probably need to choose many times in your lifetime if you want to stay together or leave. This is a real relationship and sadly I find that having a real relationship these days is apparently not good enough, just as having a real body is not.

Perfect relationship lies around me seem to be perpetuated by women, by supposed girlfriends, by colleagues. To me it seems like you are doing yourself and your friends a disservice by not sharing, sharing is good, sharing your troubles makes you realize you are not alone, it makes people respond in kind, you can see both sides of the issue; telling thoughtless lies, not so good. You feel guilty for lying; realize now you have to live up to these lies and feel even worse when you can’t. People around you now feel they have to tell the same lies for fear of being seen a lesser woman; same vicious circle follows. Single women feel they need to find these perfect guys who will make all their troubles go away. What a complete bunch of bullcrap women put themselves though, have you seen men do this? They don’t feel they have to tell their friends that their life is perfect they don’t feel the need to justify their need be with a person. Why do women? It is a hard thing to rebel against, this lie, when everyone around you is saying everything is perfect and you say it’s not; you are with a monster then aren’t you? Cause only that could make you say that it is not perfect, he must be beating you? What kind of low self esteem causes you to derive pleasure from an illusion; are we trying to fool ourselves or someone else?

While I was sitting on the balcony looking at the tea lamps.....

2008-10-17T22:22:00.005-06:00

Every year, around autumn I find my thoughts tend to meander; instead of my usual brisk walk, I walk a little slowly. As the leaves change their color, and the air gets chilly I long for a cup of coffee and a book. But sadly my mind won’t leave me, I wonder about the year gone by, about changes and constants. About what is important to me and what it means to be me.

It changes, this idea I have in my mind of who I am. I am strong and confident and scared and a sham. I am an extrovert and an introvert, trusting and careful, kind and giving and mean and spiteful. But no matter what I am that day, I have this deep sense in my soul that I am all I have. This is not to say, I don’t have a great boyfriend, great friends and relatives. I am blessed that so many people care for me. But I have me, and to me i am perfect. I do wrong things, I see that; I will change and will have to, I know that, but no matter what- I am my home, I am my savior, I am my critic and my devotee.

Tattoos and memories

2008-06-22T00:58:00.005-06:00

As she walks in the garden a slight breeze starts blowing. A stray leaf gets caught in her hair. It’s not a leaf, it’s a memory. It’s a memory with sounds and smells and tastes. It has too many details, details she thought she would forget.

Paris : The dark & rich aroma of coffee, a very handsome Belgian waiter and the sound my cute sandals made on the pavement.

Kerela: Green so green my eyes felt new. Lamps in the night and fireworks across the lake.

Bangalore: Home finally.

Mumbai: Humid bit fun. Loud but laid back. Dirty but organized.

Indore: Same old same old. Grandmother with some new wrinkles. Fragile yet potent.

Fun in the sun

2008-04-10T16:20:00.003-06:00

Mountains or the ocean? Its the ocean for me. Every time.

Summer is almost here, hold on.

Of lies and perceptions

2008-04-08T23:35:00.004-06:00

I am jealous, of happy people. Even fake happy people.

You can't be that happy, woman with chase checking account in magazine ad. Go away. Leave me be.
Stop making movies where the cute guy falls in love with the gorgeous woman, and oh by the way the gorgeous woman is actually supposed to be a geek. And oh we forgot to add, the guy has a fortune. Yeah sure.

Now I think I know.

2008-03-16T00:24:00.001-06:00

Evangelists think fighting global warming will lead to more abortions. Woman posts video of her driving on the highway protesting against Saudi rules. Violent protests in Tibet. Good Indian food for lunch. Wondering where to hide from a gunman if he comes into the classroom. Grant proposal needs to be rewritten.Again. Bought flights for the wrong time.Delta customer service sucks hardcore. Need to work hard. Now. Need to work out more. Buy stuff for random people in India.

Starry Starry night. Coffee. Breathe in. Breathe out. Blessed Silence.

Desert Rose

2008-01-23T22:35:00.001-07:00

I put my hand in the stream as the sun reflects off the water surface. It becomes a part of the stream, reflecting light, moving with a strange grace.

I think women are like that, they become a part of their new families, new environments, new cities, naturally and almost effortlessly. They breathe in the new air, new freedoms and customs and live like life had always been the same. I think we bend without losing our shape and let go without losing our self.

January-21-2008

2008-01-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am going to be 24 in a couple of months. I am madly in love with life. Even when I am tired and sad, I love life. I love each moment in my life, I love the luxury of sitting on my table on this beautiful winter day and writing while sipping juice, everything about this moment seems like decadence.

Book review: The Kite runner

Writing is mediocre at best, the hero a whining coward, difficult to feel any sympathy for him, maybe he wanted it that way? The story, powerful in the least.

Invite only.

2008-01-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

So, I decided I want to go invite only. I am not really sure why I did that, except that modifying entries to remain anonymous was getting old. This was supposed to be an online diary and then became something else, I think I want to try and go back to being a dairy.

Gypsy Dreams

2007-12-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

First you hurt a lot, but that passed. Then you were sore spot, causing me flashes of lightning pain as I accidentally brushed over you.

You were then my battle scar, from life. Now as you fade away quietly, I am glad you are healed, but I also think I am going to miss you.

Letting go of a scar isn’t supposed to be sad?

Find me a memory…

2007-12-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

As I drive down from the airport and look at the mountains I smile.

That’s all. They make me smile. Thank you.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Do you have a plan? Not so much.

2007-12-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

You know how you don’t have a plan? How you fake it when people ask you what you want to do in 5 years. You say things like, I want to go to France. You don’t do anything about it, it just lies there; this thought that maybe someday France.

And then it happens. This door, that you did not know existed, just pops up out of nowhere. And now you say, I have to learn French.

Song: Piano Man- Billy Joel.
Sang this at the tavernacle last Thursday. Nice nice!

Amusings

2007-12-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Twenty years later.

I am glad I spelled hippopotamus right that summer day.

A not so manic monday

2007-10-22T12:21:00.001-06:00

Sanity returns, thank God!

I am…

2007-10-14T21:43:00.001-06:00

Getting my ass kicked at school and work.

Need some ZEN now!!! Please. I am begging here.

On cooking

2007-09-27T15:18:00.001-06:00

If it has chicken and green beans, I’ll eat it.

On books

If it doesn’t say anything stupid in the first 20 pages, I’ll read it.

On booze

If it's free…

Moments

2007-09-13T11:52:00.001-06:00

I type because I wish to remember you. Just how perfect you felt and how carefree and right life felt.

The first day of fall, the winter clothes are not out yet and it's chilly. As I walk towards my office I realize how calm I feel. How balanced everything is.

How great my life is and there it is. My moment.

I feel good!

Adios !

2007-08-15T21:52:00.000-06:00

So now we know what side you are on. Actually the fact that there will be sides in this issue was news to me, but it's all good.
:-)

For the English speaking readers:
Update:
Has been a busy last couple of days. Am single again, so thats new and scary and new.

Have a cat called Sweet Tea in my house. He is so not sweet.

Have done everything I was supposed to do before I could get the tattoo, but it doesn't seem like such a great idea now.

School starts in a couple of days, so hurrampph!!!

Oh the tragedy of being responsible.

2007-07-16T14:16:00.000-06:00

Want

Will get

Recliner

New shoes

Extended cable

Maroon 5 tickets

Netfix extended membership

LA Galaxy tickets

New windshield for the car

Car Insurance

Groceries

Electricity Bill

Public Library

LA Galaxy tickets *giggle*

A girl's got to do, what a girl's got to do.

Random

2007-07-15T01:17:00.000-06:00

I wake up with a sinking feeling that my brain is faster when I am asleep than when I am awake.

Pray

2007-07-13T01:04:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I pray because I know I don’t deserve everything that he has given me.

The commute

2007-06-15T00:59:00.000-06:00

I am not really sure what I want to do with this blog. When I feel like doing something about its present state of abandonment, I am reminded of the fact that come December I will lose all my old entries from blog-city. This usually propels me to either start posting the old blog-city posts here (Sorry for not answering your comment Shirin), or dampens my mood.

In any case, here I am again.

There is a new trick in town, one more step in the effort to avoid all types of acknowledgment of other forms of life around us. First there was the newspaper, pretend you are reading the news paper and hope no one will smile or talk to you. Then the cell phone, call your voicemail and listen to your old messages. The iPod, plug those speakers in and you don’t have to listen to the bus driver greeting you on the bus, or even acknowledge him. Add a pair of dark glasses and you are set for life baby. This eliminates all possibilities. So you have now eliminated even the slight chance that you may meet someone’s eye on the road and have to smile at them.

I loved my iPod, till the point that it started to make me deaf. But I am not a big fan of listening to the iPod when I am walking around, on the bus, or jogging. I like to hear background noises, when I am jogging or walking I like to hear the birds. Also I like greeting people and hearing what they say.

Why are people so against smiling at or greeting a stranger that they have to go to these extremes?

I guess my travel time is really small, if I needed to travel for an hour every day I would have these on too. I doubt it.

Scene Three- Music

2007-04-26T13:05:00.001-06:00

The drummer in her head had been joined by a cymbal player and a very enthusiastic trumpeter.

Breaking-up Etiquettes

2007-04-26T13:00:00.000-06:00

Due to the joyless note that has become the background score of my life (I have no reason for this, most people I know would be happy with the situation I find myself in). So continuing on that note, this is the kind of coffee table conversation I indulge in.

Breaking-up etiquettes:

To you my friends whose identity in these pages is veiled in fictional disguise it is but fitting that I dedicate this post.

What is the right time to break up?

Should you break up with the person when you know he/she has a busy time coming up in their life, so they will have to focus on that and get over you fast?

· Can backfire as said person may screw up the important task.

Should you break up when he/she is with friends and family and has his/her support system around (who can gather around and tear you apart and help said person get over you).

· Or will this cause the happy occasion to turn into a mourning festival?

Should you break up as soon as you can? Or should you wait it out and hope the other person breaks up with you first?

Should you be yourself and have faith in the fact that no one can be with you for such a long time and wait for them to break up with you?

Should you tell said person about other friend who would totally dig them?

Is it your responsibility as the instigator of the break up to listen to the theatrics quietly, if said person feels inclined to resort to such?

Alive

2007-04-26T12:05:00.001-06:00

She draws her knees together and rests her head on them; she wipes her tears imagining him doing it. She can almost hear him whispering to her that she was safe now, that he loved her. He wasn’t real, but she could almost felt it. She knew it was stupid, but if her mind could play this trick to make her feel better, she would play along. Sometimes he took the shape of her latest crush, sometimes a character from a story. He has to be the reason I am somewhat sane*. I wish I could make him come alive.

I find it difficult to post, because somehow too many people I know (and don’t like) come here. I will stop writing here, because it’s becoming a chore editing the entries for fear of giving too much away. I wish they would go away. What to do?

Alan Jackson- Remember When

*-( sane? heheh)

Living the Deam

2007-04-26T12:03:00.000-06:00

I always knew that I would love living alone. And now that I have for quite a while now, my mother knows it too. It scares her, I should scare me too I guess.

I love being able to hear my thoughts, I love being able to listen to music when I want to. Being able to breathe deeply, to read without interruptions, to look at the stars, to think. To live without hearing someone else’s voice, without sharing my space with someone else. I can’t stand to have someone around me for a long time. It’s not like I do bizzare stuff while I am alone (like walk around naked; case in point P) I do mundane things, like work on the computer, read a book. And when I am doing these boring things in my room and you do happen to walk by, even quietly; I will consider it an intrusion. I have seen that if I don’t get to spend a significant amount of time alone, I turn into a raging ogre in a few days. No kidding. And that should scare me. It doesn’t. What scares me are people who can’t stand to be alone.

The hippopotamus in me.

2007-04-26T12:02:00.002-06:00

We go a long way back. Hippopotamuses and me.

My parents were nurturing doubts about my mental growth when at age 4 the only story I wanted to hear was the one my dad had made up. This was also the time I wanted to be a boy. The story was called The Baby Hippopotamus.

There was once a baby hippopotamus, he was very naughty. He did not want to take a bath, but his mother would not listen to him. She washed him, and cleaned him. She made him wear nice clothes and she put powder behind his ears. And she put cream on his face. She combed his hair. She made him wear nice shoes. She told him to play carefully and not get dirty.*impish smile on little girl's face, yeah right*

The hippopotamus went to play out. He saw a puddle.*sparkle in little girl's eyes* The puddle was very dirty. The hippopotamus jumped into the puddle.*SPLASH* *HURRAY*

His mother would see him, scold him and clean him again.He would go and jump into the puddle again. This would go on and on and on, till I would go to sleep, a contented smile on my face. I got over the wanting-to-be-a-boy syndrome, but I still jump into puddles.

So when I read this story, it’s understandable that I feel warm in my tummy.

The Box

2007-04-26T12:02:00.001-06:00

When she first got it, she wasn’t very happy. It fact, she did not quite understand her mother's vehement request that she keep the box.

It was a jewel box, a small box resembling a dressing table; with three drawers. You could hold it comfortably in the palm of your hand. Inside the box, within each drawer, were pieces of jewelery. Earrings, necklaces, bracelets made of glass, stones and metal; the treasure of a 9 year old girl. Her sister. Every time she opened the box and saw the pieces of jewelery, which were kept thoughtfully on a bed of cotton, her heart broke a little. She could see her sister’s small hands as she played with the jewelery. She could imagine her sister’s impish smile as she posed in front of the mirror and twirled. She could feel the anger and the pain growing in her heart as she remembered that her sister was not with them anymore. She could feel the guilt growing inside her as she told herself that she had no right to this box, no right to this pain; as she told herself that others were being so brave. She hid the box.

Two years later.

The beautiful young woman sits at the coffee house waiting for her friends. A soft smile lights her face as she strokes and kisses her bracelet. It still hurts. That, she knows will never go away. She is trying to get over the guilt she feels about hurting so, when she knows other people hurt more. She goes home to open the box again. She sheds a few tears but these are happy tears, born out of the knowledge that she was blessed to have once known an angel.

Feeling guilty about not calling her aunt enough, she dials her number.

music: Wake me up when september ends ( Greenday)

Scene Two-Screwed*

2007-04-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

Him:“So, what are you going to do now?”

Her: “Laughing like a madman is a possibility. Screaming like a banshee is another"

*Screwed- completely mishandle or mismanage a situation.Completely.

se7ev

2007-04-26T11:57:00.000-06:00

Se7en-The Tag, courtsey of Rajesh. Thank you.

Seven things that I plan to do:
Adopt a child
Own a house
Go to Rome
Do a course on psychology
Go deep sea diving
Get a tattoo
Travel on the Palace on Wheels, Venice Simplon-Orient-Express and The Blue Train.

Seven things I can do:
Smile
Eat a full cake.
Love
Take charge, when things go wrong.
Hide what I am feeling.
Rationalize.
Hope.

Seven things I can't do:
Not stand out.
Forget.
Make the first move.
Remain calm when being photographed.
Decide exactly what I want in life.
Have conversations with puny-little-arrogant-stupid-ignorant-selfish-pseudo-confident people.
Be serious.

Seven things I say most often:
(I am more of a sound-person (if that’s a word) I don’t say words, I make appropriate sounds.)
Hmmmmm
Accha ( Alright)
You think so? ( when I don’t think so)
Seriously * while I am trying to stop ROFL*
Sure
Homie * :-p *
Thank you

I Woke up in between,a memory and a dream

2007-04-26T11:55:00.000-06:00

A mob attacked the city hospital, breaking all the equipment, hurting doctors and patients. They were the supporters of a local goon, who succumbed to injuries earlier in the day. Went to the city hospital to discover the extent of damage caused by the mob. Discovered that the mob also attacked the dead bodies in the hospital. Dead people.

Pessimism-4

Hope-0

A friend, whose father died in kargil, called. The house which was allotted to her family, after the war, is unlivable. One wall is about to fall.

Pessimism-1

Hope-0

Grandmother fell down the stairs, hurt her hip. This is her fourth operation in two years, she was operated on last month too.

Pessimism-1

Hope-0

Found out that the next exam is a killer. Nobody is sure about what the professor plans to give in the exam. Sadistic laughter is heard from the department office.

Mood: Morbid

A dog sleeps in the middle of the college road, while kids angle their vehicles around him.

Flowers blooming in the garden.

Grandmother is singing again.

Sunrise.

Men and women make a human chain to save the doctors from the mob.

Over all tally:

Hope: 27

Pessimism: 6

Earnest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I believe the second part.-se7en

Scene One

2007-04-26T11:54:00.001-06:00

Him:" You're acting like a pigheaded boar!"
Her: "Isn't that redundant?"

She ducks the flyng pen.

Pride

2007-04-26T11:41:00.001-06:00

We will speak our minds.
We will be kind, only if you deserve it; not because our mothers taught us well.
We will not respect weakness.Being pseudo-intellectual does not make you wise.
We are not sorry that we are successful.
We do not think anyone has an overnight success or a stroke of luck and all that jazz.
We do not think that anyone conspired to make you fail, no not even fate.
We will not "help" you. You have two hands; we will help you get the tools. Rest is up to you. You will get what you deserve.
We will not play your game.
We do not mind when you call us selfish. We do not consider it an insult.
Everyone is living their life as they want to, we do not think we know best. We may not know anything; we respect your right to live as you do.
Being kind, honest, open minded and hardworking is very important to us.
We do not expect anything from you, you shouldn't either.
We value our time.
We do not care to answer questions like," Will you save a man or earn money"
We don't believe in discussing our choices or sugar coating them for you.
We try very hard not to judge anyone.

Posted on 27th October,2005

2007-04-20T19:58:00.000-06:00

I think my heart jumps every time I hear the first few lines of this song. I realise this makes me a dork. I hate the rest of the lyrics. I do. But dear GOD the first bit, sung in such a sexy, deep voice. *Fans herself*

2007-04-16T20:06:00.000-06:00

Public displays of emotion are alright, only if the people in question are beautiful. Otherwise its just gross.

2007-04-12T23:49:00.000-06:00

Guess who has a huge crush on Craig Ferguson . Wicked wicked accent.Wicked.

2007-04-01T22:05:00.000-06:00

I just heard Ronan Keating's cover of Iris. I think I died a little.

Amusings

2007-03-31T19:20:00.000-06:00

I love bookcases. And I like to keep books in bookcase, not photographs or knick knacks, as is the latest fad. I am old school. Books in bookcases, strange candles somewhere else! My books are divided into three groups-the ones I adore and will never part with, ones I want to read and the ones I got as gifts or bought on impulse, tried to read and failed. None of these will I ever lend to you. I am not your average book lover, as with all other things in my life, I am a psychotic, slightly nutty booklover. I love my books and if I see you treating my books roughly, leaving them open, upside down,I will pounce on you. Also I never lend my books, EVER!

Stress!

2007-03-29T13:36:00.000-06:00

Stop blaming someone else for your stress and take control.The next few weeks will be interesting.
Darn it, should have done some stuff during spring break.

Roommate Musings

2007-03-26T10:57:00.000-06:00

My mess, your mess: You develop this almost supernatural ability to distinguish between the messes that you created and those created by the roommate.

Food: You learn to serve ½ of the food available in your plate. The quantity of food is not an issue here. You may finish it in ten days; serve it in one go or it may be lost forever.

Not coming home to an empty house is a great. Coming home to a hot cup of tea and a good listener is a blessing. Not being in a relationship with that person is a miracle.

Shopping buddy: Shopping buddy who reminds you that rent has not been paid while you both cry outside Ann Taylor.

Language development: Improving Hindi skills, all comments about people are strictly in Hindi. “Vo Lal Kapde pehnee admee ko dekho”

Sharing Rent and bills: Yeah baby!

The voices only speak to me

2007-03-25T17:16:00.000-06:00

Things to do this month:

Spring cleaning: get the wardrobe in order.(check)
Start doing more volunteer work: Animal shelter.
Start taking time to read: go to a park and read on Sundays.

Kickbacks:

Get hair colored or get a tattoo.

Sleepless

2007-03-21T14:43:00.000-06:00

There are people you call when late night paranoia hits you. And then there are those you call only when you are feeling stable and happy and great. You need to have known me for at least 5 years and

seen me cry,
seen me scream,
seen me underconfident and dejected,
seen me overconfident and arrogant, before you will be admitted to the first group.

After that happens, you will learn to pray because I can talk till 4 am.

Old Entries

2006-08-16T12:10:00.000-06:00

posted 12-Aug-2006, Saturday

I cant see the stars from here. I seem to miss that the most. That and Microsoft Word,I am stuck with some Coral bloody Write shit.

Life seems to be happening to me finally and its breaking all the silly notions I had in my mind. I always thought I would be out till early morning if I got the chance to be, not so true. I prefer to be safe at home. I did not know i was chicken? hehe

Its not so easy making all the decisions myself. without a sounding board. Its not so easy being lazy when you have stuff to do. its not so easy making food everyday. I always knew that i was freaky about spending money, that if it were up to me I would never go out and eat or have coffee, that's true. I am freaky.

I did not know that walking would be so much fun, that being in a place where people are polite,where they smile and greet each other, open doors for you, would fit me like a glove; Specially after being in Delhi where the rudeness and animosity is palpable.

I did not know that being in a hilly area meant always going either uphill or downhill, that even that could be fun if you have a skateboard.

That looking out from your window every morning to see beautiful mountains and feel the cool breeze on your face could be like a prayer.

I did not know that David beckham looks so hot in real life and that going to watch him practice at 6 am would be totally worth it!!!!!!

posted 18-Aug-2006, Friday

The list of how to questions that I typed in my google toolbar in the last ten days.

How to do laundry
How to open a can
How to fold a comforter
How to find cheap airline tickets
How to use a can opener

No mishap while doing the laundry
Have a Can opener now
You apparently do not fold the comforter
Found cheap tickets
Own a can opener but do not know how to use it

1-Nov-2006, Wednesday 9:57 P GMT-07

Nobody has fallen in love with me in the last few weeks. *Sigh* heartbreaking. Have been feeling ambivalent lately about school and work. Sometimes I think I want something else, not this.

posted 31-Jan-2007, Wednesday

I am scared of saying out aloud that I want to be looked after. I am scared of feeling this way, because it implies that I cannot look after myself, that I am not enough.

I did not have to clear the snow from my car this morning; the sun melted the snow by the time I had to leave. This was going to be a great day.

I think I am lost in two worlds. What I thought I was and what I am discovering about me. I am scared.

I have discovered that puttting tags on entries is pretty useless.

posted 27-Jan-2007, Saturday

I sometimes feel I am the oldest 22 year old. EVER!

Conversation between roommate and her friend.
Exhibit A: “I am like Monica.”
*Huge pause*
Exhibit B: “Sometimes I think I am a cusp between Rachael and Monica, I could never be Phoebe”
These are characters in a sitcom. This is a serious conversation.

Let me introduce these people to you. These are 6 Indian kids who came to the US to do their bachelors. They now have jobs and are dating each other.

Exhibit A: “I am tired of traveling. I want to settle down with* boyfriend name*”
OMG you are 22? What is wrong with you? Tired of traveling? Settle down?

Exhibit B: “I will buy these plates when I get married, it’s a pain packing stuff and moving. You break so many things”
Plates? Married? You will buy nice plates when you get married …..Beats me!

Some masters students in departments like mechanical are from slightly poor backgrounds. They may not know how to speak great English. But they are trying, they are here, they have scholarships and I am in awe of these kids, they made it on their own. This group is very arrogant and looks down upon these kids.

Exhibit A is very proud of her job even slightly arrogant about it.
Iris: SO what do you do?
E A: “I open accounts!”
Iris: “Hello?”
E A: pauses

Yeah so your parents paid a LOT of money to send you to a less than mediocre college in the US. You get a job as an ‘account opener’ and you are arrogant? Maybe deep down you know what a loser you are!

There are people you call when late night paranoia hits you. And then there are those you call only when you are feeling stable and happy and great. You need to have known me for at least 5 years and

seen me cry,
seen me scream,
seen me underconfident and dejected,
seen me overconfident and arrogant, before you will be admitted to the first group.

After that happens, you will learn to pray because I can talk till 4 am.

Charmed

2005-09-02T11:49:00.000-06:00

As I was lying on the bed, with a single tear balancing on the edge of my eye; the day could not get worse. I had no idea why I was low. I had a bad feeling about almost everything in my life. I had spent last night fighting the morbid thoughts my brain was churning out.

I had angels watching over me.

As I cuddled with my favorite pillow and turned on the television someone was waving a wand. One of my favorite movies was on and I was right one time. This never happens to me .Ever.

The little imp's were hard at work.

As I went on receiving compliments and sweet messages from friends, acquaintances and total strangers, I knew I was blessed.

How a sweet message from a total stranger can cheer you up is magic.

It was just that the time was wrong

2005-08-28T11:44:00.000-06:00

The delicate strands, formed out of bizarre coincidences, consequences of perfect timing and a testament of the ridiculous inconsistency of human nature.

I am inclined to leave it at that. But people already suspect that I am crazy.

I like to think that accidental happenings which later became important in my life were a sort of sign. Our lives would be so different if we were in a different place on the day that we met our lover. If I were in a different place ? If I had already been in relationship? If I was not feeling almost lonely? If I was not ready to feel vulnerable?

How many relationships have gone by us just because the time was wrong?

I like to think that knowing the person a little gives us control over the relationship.Relationships and human nature is ridiculous, a great friend can make a frightful boyfriend. A great son could be a awfull father.

Why I am a different person in college and at home scares me sometimes.

5 Questions

2005-08-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

Do you think your looks have helped you?

They have certainly made a difference, but I can’t say always to my benefit. HOD’s have been known to flunk me because I am who I am and look like I do.

What would you change about your life?
Nothing much, I like me and what happened to me is a part of who I am. I am only twenty one, no regrets yet.

I wish I had read Steinbeck sooner though.

What is the one thing that attracts you to a person?

I can’t really think of one thing, it could be anything. Their general demeanor, eyes, the way people laugh, the music that they listen to.

Why do you dislike talking about yourself?

It’s a devious scheme, I love talking about myself and act like I don’t and then people want me to talk about myself and everyone is happy.

Why do you overreact when you hear about parents trying to stay together for the sake of their children?

Ah, I don’t overreact. I believe that when your parents do not love each other the kids can sense that and they feel insecure. If by staying together the parents are bringing out the worst in each other, it can’t be good for the kids.

Wish you were here

2004-06-27T10:46:00.000-06:00

posted 27-Jun-2004, Sunday

“Why does God make nani cry?” my 4-year-old cousin asked me. My grand mom was praying and crying at the same time.9th July is the first death anniversary of my cousin sister Saumya. She was 10. For the past week the whole family has been recalling what happened this time last year. It took me a long time to realize that my cousin sister was really gone. Sure ,I cried for days when it happened. But it was surreal. This can’t really be happening, she can’t really be gone? One night I was just thinking about the last time I met her, about how her small hand had fit perfectly into mine and of how we were walking down the road in front of her house and talking about how our brothers were really all goofy. I was reliving the whole scene in my head and I couldn’t remember which hand it was that she was holding or how it felt to hold her. I broke then. I thought about how selfish I was and how I had forgotten this detail about my little sister. I thought I would go on forgetting some little detail about her. I was wrong. I will cherish those precious moments I spend with that angel and my kids will know what a totally amazing mausi they had.

Song: Tears in heaven

I Hate Mangoes!

2004-06-21T10:53:00.000-06:00

posted 21-Jun-2004, Monday

What is the deal with people and mangoes? Why is it so hard for anyone to believe that someone cannot like mangoes? I hate mangoes. They make me cringe. After I am forced to eat one( in my family everybody loves mangoes ..That’s cool with me but the idea that I don’t like mangoes does not register. I think their brain is not ready to process the fact that some people do not like mangoes.) Haan so after I am forced to eat one I am left with an awfully sweet taste and minute mango fibers stuck between all my teeth. And you would think that this only lasts for a few months and it would be worse if I dint like bananas which are somehow available throughout the year …get this my dad goes to Bangalore a lot and every time he goes he gets a basket full of mangoes. We actually had mangoes in February once.

20 Things About Me

2004-03-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

I was born on the fourth of March.
It was a Sunday.
I am very proud of this for some reason.
This is my favorite number.
I have curly hair.I wear it straight now.
I would get bald in summers if I someone proved to me that it will grow back just as curly.
I think I have small eyes.
I am a cleanliness freak. Freak I tell you.
I love buying Linen.
I love clean sheets.
I have difficulty figuring out right and left.
I think I am a good listener.
I don’t like alcohol. Don’t tell me that it’s good for anything.I drink now.
I cry at farewells.
I love the rain, and I love jogging in the rain.
I love dogs.
I haven’t quite figured out if I like to cook.
I don’t think so.
I love to read for an hour before sleeping.
I love sleeping.

Updated- 03/22/07

" ..poor baby fell in the dal ..and she didn't even cry!"

2003-12-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself really attached to the stories of my escapades when I was young. I am possessive about them, and also in a weird way proud of them. One of my favourite is when I fell into a bowl of dal when I was sitting on the dining table, I did not cry.* grin grin* How this surprisingly premature warning about the clumsiness to follow is dear to me is beyond me.

He remembered

2003-12-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

Half an hour left for the bell to ring and they are all exhausted from playing kho kho. They all sit down on the bench near the basketball ground and try to decide which game to play today? Name-Place-Animal-Thing someone says.

The tallest guy in the blue shirt scores a basket and all the little girls sigh .Six pairs of twelve year old eyes turn left as he winks at the head girl standing further away.The word game is quickly forgotten as a fight breaks out between the staunch supporters of the head girl and those of the sports captain (who is standing on the other side .)

The game gets over and the blue team wins.The guy walks to the head girl and says something to her friends... they all giggle. He then whispers something in her ear and they both start walking towards the bus stop leaving her friends staring enviously at the retreating couple.

Sweet victory for the supporters of the head girl. Chaos issues in the little group as everyone tries to get their bags and bottles from the heap... but he promised she thinks .......

He stops and says something to her ..she is bemused but nods her head. He runs back and picks up the little girl and plants her firmly on his shoulders and takes a round around the playground .She giggles and laughs and almost cries.She looks at her friends who are almost jumping with joy and thinks that she'll never forget this day. … he remembered……

(This is republished, as a remembered that nobody really understood it when I had posted it before.I hope the changes help)

Everyday

2003-11-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

I can smell the incense that mom lighted during her evening aarti.I hear her humming in the kitchen as she prepares the dinner.
What are we going to get for dinner today ??rajma? sambhar??..I hope we get pudding today
Its 7:30 and I still haven’t finished my homework." I hate maths ....what??he has put an ant in his mouth ??really ..why are babies so stupid"
"Mom chotu has put an ant in his mouth and he is crying ....now I am taking it out of his mouth ...and now I am pulverizing the ant with my fingers . ..hehhe ...I did not ....I threw it away ..Whats the whole point ? He is going to find it and put it in his mouth again??"
"Yeah yeah, the ant has been thrown away ...I save the world yet again ...further bulletins as events warrant"
babies are really stupid ...I just know I never did anything like this ..!hehhe ..he's got really small fingers though?* smiles*.... umm i guess dads come home??* swallows* ...i hope chotu doesn’t start to cry or he'll be in big trouble ....ummm dad is in one of his moods again ..its all his stupid boss' fault he doesn’t appreciate dads work .. ummmm I guess mom forgot to put water in the ice tray again ...gwadd ..from now on I shall make sure she does* wipes her tears* ..... maybe I should go....umm I should .....*sniff*..I should ....if only i can get these stupid legs to move ... Hey ram ... hez coming here ... chotu and I should go to the kitchen .. .the dal is boiling ??what should I do??........ if only there was ice in the fridge ..if only there was ice in the fridge...............

Fifty per cent of Indian households witness scenes of violence against women, including husbands beating up their wives, everyday. According to a United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM) report, "Say No to Gender-based Violence", instances of domestic violence are as high as 50 per cent in India .

EVERYDAY!